How Meditation Can Help You Feel Less Lonely
We humans are a sociable bunch. We’re biologically hardwired for connection and when we’re alone more than we want to be, it hurts deeply. And the truth is, loneliness is supposed to feel bad. It acts as a warning sign, signalling that we’re lacking something crucial, and prompting us to seek out meaningful connection.
Whilst temporary feelings of loneliness are a normal part of being human, severe or enduring loneliness can have significant impacts on our physical and mental health. But there is hope, and below I’ll share a mindfulness meditation which has been proven to help.
How meditation can help you feel less lonely
What exactly is loneliness?
According to the Mental Health Foundation (who chose loneliness as the theme of this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week):
“Loneliness is the feeling we experience when there is a mismatch between the social connections we have and those that we need or want.”
Being socially isolated does not necessarily mean you’ll feel lonely. For some of us having just one or two meaningful friendships might be enough to sustain us, whilst others will need a much bigger social circle and lots of intimacy to feel that everything’s OK.
This means we can’t assume whether or not someone is lonely. Someone could be happily single, living alone and spending much of their time in solitude, and yet rarely feel lonely. Equally, someone who lives with friends or family, has a romantic partner and a busy social life may often experience loneliness if they don’t feel properly understood or able to be themselves.
It’s all about the quality and depth of your connections, not the quantity.
How common is loneliness?
Research from the Mental Health Foundation shows that 1 in 4 adults in the UK feel lonely some or all the time. If you’re aged 16-24 the figure is even more bleak, with almost half of young people experiencing loneliness some or all of the time.
In other words, it is a huge, pervasive problem. Yet the shame and stigma associated with loneliness can make it incredibly hard to speak about.
Author Johann Hari writes that:
“Loneliness hangs over our culture today like a thick smog.”
Johann Hari, from Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression and the Unexpected Solutions
When loneliness hits it can certainly feel like there’s a persistent but intangible barrier separating us from others, keeping us closed off in our individual struggles. It’s a shameful, sticky feeling that can convince us we must be flawed or fundamentally unlovable.
Who is more likely to experience chronic loneliness?
Anyone can experience loneliness, but some groups of people do seem to be more effected, often because they are coping with the additional stresses of discrimination, stigma or social exclusion.
Being widowed
Being single
Being unemployed
Living alone
Having a long-term health condition or disability
Living in rented accommodation
Being between 16 and 24 years old
Being a carer
Being from an ethnic minority community
Being LGBTQ+
It’s important to note though that being part of these groups doesn’t automatically mean that you will experience loneliness.
How can meditation help with loneliness?
Whilst all forms of mindfulness can be helpful for increasing self-awareness and compassion, there’s one practice in particular that has been shown to make a difference when it comes to loneliness. In the Loving Kindness meditation, we practice sending out good wishes to different people – ourselves, loved ones, friends, neighbours and even people we don’t know or like.
It might seem surprising that meditation – which can seem like a passive activity (by those who haven’t tried it!) – can result in measurable changes in our emotional state. But that’s just what’s been shown.
Research conducted by Professor Barbara Fredrickson and her team at the University of North Carolina showed that after just nine weeks of training in Loving Kindness meditation people experienced reduced levels of isolation and alienation, as well as improvements in physical conditions as varied as headaches, chest pain and weakness.
Meditation is accessible and immediate. If you are housebound, isolated from your loved ones or lacking the confidence to make new friends meditation offers a safe way to ease your suffering. No-one else need know you are doing it, and you’ll feel the benefits even if the circumstances of your life can’t be changed just now.
Learning to recognise our common humanity
With regular practice, the Loving Kindness meditation helps us realise that we are not alone in our suffering. That realisation alone can be a huge relief! We are just human, like everyone else, and feeling lonely is part of the human experience.
“we are in this together, this accumulation of scars, this world of objects, this physical and temporary heaven that so often takes on the countenance of hell. What matters is kindness; what matters is solidarity. What matters is staying alert, staying open, because if we know anything from what has gone before us, it is that the time for feeling will not last.”
Olivia Laing, from The Lonely City
Befriending ourselves
Over time mindfulness can help us radically improve our relationship with ourselves. Many of us are harsh or critical about our perceived failings, telling ourselves we shouldn’t be feeling this way, or comparing ourselves to others. With practice we can learn to treat ourselves more like a good friend, so our internal voice softens and becomes more encouraging and nurturing.
Ready to try the Loving Kindness meditation?
In this version of the Loving Kindness meditation, guided by Sally Harris, you'll be invited to use words and phrases to send out good wishes for warmth, care and love to yourself and a friend, before slowly extending outwards to other people nearby and further afield.
More ideas for coping with loneliness
Don't feel like meditating? You’ll find a selection of other ideas for managing loneliness from the mental health charity Mind here.
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