Does self-compassion make you lazy?

Five common myths about mindful self-compassion debunked by research

Why is it that being kind towards others is encouraged but caring for yourself can make you feel guilty or selfish? Below we’ll tackle five of the most common misconceptions about self-compassion, and explore what the research shows.

In case you’re not familiar with the term self-compassion, it’s the idea of responding to your own struggles with kindness; treating yourself the same way you’d treat a good friend who was having a tough time. Mindful Self-Compassion was developed as a group programme by Dr Chris Germer and Dr Kristin Neff in 2010, combining Chris’s clinical experience and Kristin’s pioneering research.

Myth 1: Self-compassion is selfish

In fact self-compassion is not about giving yourself MORE kindness than anyone else or ignoring other people’s needs. The goal is simply to INCLUDE yourself in the same caring attitude you show to loved ones (rather than beating yourself up, as many people do).

Research shows that self-compassionate people tend to be more caring and supportive in relationships, less jealous, more likely to compromise in conflicts and more compassionate towards others.

Myth 2: Self-compassion is a form of self-pity

Contrary to what you might believe, self-compassion doesn't exaggerate the extent of your suffering - it's not a 'woe is me', navel-gazing attitude. In actual fact, it can remind you of the bigger picture; that all humans face challenges and struggles sometimes, and it’s not just you who’s feeling this way.

Research shows that self-compassionate people are more likely to engage in perspective-taking rather than focusing on their own distress and are less likely to ruminate on how bad things are.

Myth 3: Self-compassion is weak

Self-compassion is a strength and a resource that you can draw on at difficult times. On the Mindful Self-Compassion programme you’ll learn more than 30 different informal practises, exercises and meditations that you can use for support when life gets tough.

Research shows that self-compassionate people are better able to cope with tough situations like divorce, trauma, chronic illness, and chronic pain.

Myth 4: Self-compassion is self-indulgent

In fact, self-compassion is more focussed on long-term health than short-term pleasure. A bit like a compassionate parent would encourage their child to do their homework before playing video games, if you’re kind to yourself you’ll prioritise what’s best for you long-term.

Research shows that self-compassionate people engage in healthier behaviours like moving more, eating well, drinking less alcohol and going to the doctor more regularly.

Myth 5: Self-compassion will make you lazy and unmotivated

Most people think self-criticism is the best way to motivate themselves, but the truth is it actually undermines your confidence and leads to fear of failure. Self-compassion is a much more effective motivator, that has your best interests at heart and has been shown to support long-term personal growth.

Research shows that self-compassionate people are no less likely to have high personal standards and be high achievers; they just don't beat themselves up when they fail. They are less afraid of failure and more likely to try again and persist in their efforts even after failing.

Other research on self-compassion

There is an impressive and rapidly expanding body of research on the benefits of self-compassion. To date there are well over 3000 articles and dissertations on the topic, with new research published every day.

For example, one randomized controlled trial on the Mindful Self-Compassion group programme in 2013 found that attending the course resulted in:

• Increases in self-compassion, mindfulness and compassion for others

• Decreases in depression, anxiety, stress and emotional avoidance

• Increases in social connectedness, life satisfaction and happiness

• All gains in wellbeing were maintained one year later

Want to learn more about mindful self-compassion?

Read more about my Mindful Self-Compassion courses or join my next course starting Monday 2nd October.